There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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