His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
