haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
