just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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