I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You dont lie about slip and slides
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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