Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
did i walk over a car last night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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