Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Actions speak louder than pants.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
