Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
two words...techno handjob
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
