ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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