Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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