Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
