I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
