my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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