everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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