He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
