You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
