how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
did i just pee glitter
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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