I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
