so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
