I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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