Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
