I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
