I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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