Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
