He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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