Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
