I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
