Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
