were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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