I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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