i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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