Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
