im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
