based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
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There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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