and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
