the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
