i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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