literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
