some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I need to stop coming to work sober
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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