I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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