My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
