I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
