somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
