So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
