I hate all girls vehemently.
I can text with my tongue
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
