apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Terrible idea I love it
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
