Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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