So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
