Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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