Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
