I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
