A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
