I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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