I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
