Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
