Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
