Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
