apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
