I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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