Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
