I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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