ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
