Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
